I haven't taken the time yet to explore this blogger and figure out how everything works. I have tried inserting links after following the directions but they don't seem to work. Today, I'm home bloated and cramping because Aunt Flow came for a visit. Ladie's, you know what I'm talking about (sorry guys). Now, after spending a few minutes navigating through the tool bar I have discovered how to find the number of times my posts have been viewed - 285! That's exciting for me and so motivating. I have to tell you that more than anything, knowing that people are sharing my journey with me keeps me accountable. Knowing that at the end of the day I have committed to sharing my day coupled with my dedication to keeping it real pushes me through times that I might feel like giving up, it keeps me determined to reach my goal.
Another positive result of telling my story is that it compels my friends to share their weight loss successes with me. Knowing that my friends who have struggled with weight loss in the past are making huge progress gives me so much hope and inspiration. My friend, Kim, dropped 5 sizes! I asked her when the last time was she could wear the size she's now in and she said when she was about 5. I know she was gearing up for a class reunion but she is still sticking to her routine and working with her trainer. Kimi is feeling better than she has in her entire adulthood and she is in her late 40's (always older than me by 6 months). She is a single mom of two grown sons, and runs her family billiard business. I saw a picture of Kim at the reunion and she looks absolutely amazing. I'm so proud of her I want to cry.
And Shannon, she just posted that she lost 40 pounds steadily over the last year. She said she has been exercising and eating right and slowly she is getting healthier and leaner. Again, I'm gushing with pride and support for her. Shannon is 10 years younger than me, has her own massage business and she and her husband have an elementary-aged daughter. Shannon has a smile that will light up a room and I'm sure her light will shine even brighter now because with transformation of the body comes vitality and confidence (not that she ever seemed to lack it)
I know sometimes people will want to lose weight for a special occasion like a wedding, reunion, summer time, vacation, etc. I know of so many people who just stop their routines after the milestone has been reached and gain the weight back and then some. I remember when one of my co-workers at Amaze who is an avid bicyclist and very fit said to me, "If you gain the weight back you put in all of the hard work for nothing, I want it to be for something or there is no point." A big huge light bulb clicked on for me when he said that. I know I have to be committed to the long term not just a milestone. Like Kim, she is still hitting the gym and is far from stopping.
Kim and Shannon are two different women at two different stages of life getting healthy by two different methods but the result is the same, transformation! As long as you're moving your body and committed to the long haul you will succeed.
Today, even though I just want to sit in my easy chair with a heating pad and eat chocolate I am still going to push myself to do something to work toward my goal. Working my upper body would be appropriate as well as gentle stretching/yoga, actually yoga would probably make me feel better. I may not work in the two 20 minute sessions but I think it's OK to nurture myself a little bit. BTW, dark chocolate is beneficial to weight loss, just so you know.
Please feel free to share your successes. Everybody wins when we work together.
STAY DETERMINED!!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Shakti Rising
I have to admit, I almost didn't write anything today because I'm not sure if anybody read my last post as there were no comments but I have a lot to say and a body to get in shape so I'm not stopping now.
I just have to reiterate the virtues of Kundalini. Wow, I made it to work a little early this morning because I woke up wide-eyed at 5:30 a.m. Amy, Mike and I did about a 30 minute, high energy Kundalini yoga session this afternoon and not only did I swim for 30 minutes afterward but I came home and cleaned the kitchen, did laundry and cut up some fruit and veggies for tomorrow. That is big time rare for me. Like I said, don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Kundalini Yoga absolutely rejuvenated, revitalized and kicked my energy into high gear. I have been awake for 16 hours and am just now winding down.
What is Kundalini? Kundalini is a serpentine energy in Hindu mysticism that lives at the base of the spine. I repeat, energy, they don't actually believe that two serpents are really living in our bodies like tape worms. Actually, the symbol for medicine, you know the staff with the 2 serpents intertwining around it? The image is derived from Kundalini. It is also known as Kundalini Shakti. When one invokes Shakti, you invoke the creative force, desire, universal energy, when awakened it moves up the spine awakening all of the chakras along the journey finally meeting with the crown chakra achieving enlightenment. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini.
One way to achieve the awakening is to practice kundalini yoga. There are many westerners that practice for this purpose but for the most part the sole purpose is to lose weight and get fit.
Let me tell you my own personal experience with Kundalini rising. If you stick around long enough you're bound to hear some pretty interesting stories from my life. This is one of those tales.
I had checked out a VHS tape on Kundalini yoga from my university library. It was called "Breath of Fire". I had no idea the differences between yoga disciplines at the time and don't know why I chose that particular tape, perhaps it was the only one available.
All six of my kids were living in the house at the time so it was very rare for me to have the house to myself which was the only time I would ever do any kind of working out. Every time I plugged in a Jane Fonda or Denise Austin tape and I started jumping around with my boobs bobbing the little ones would laugh hysterically, especially River. It was so distracting and un-nerving that I would never work out in front of them. So, my point is that I managed to get instruction from the tape just a few times. I was about 37-38.
One summer solstice night I was with a group of friends reveling after welcoming the longest day of the year. I was just standing in a room talking to my friend, Larry, when suddenly I felt this shock of energy literally move from the top of my skull and down my spine. Once it hit my spine my eyes rolled back in my head and I fell to my knees. Everybody panicked and ran to me, all of them complaining about how they couldn't touch me because I was so hot. Ginger had healing hands and came to my side to see what she could do for me but she couldn't even stand near me, her sensitivity to the heat my body was generating was too much. She brought me several cold towels, laid them all over my body and quickly moved across the room.
I have no idea how long I laid on the floor in that room, aware of the din but more aware of a humming that nobody else could hear. Just as suddenly as the bolt of energy hit me, I sat straight up and began walking through the crowd. I felt this very serpentine energy present in my body that seemed to be using me to watch the revelers. This was a strange sensation in itself but the most extraordinary experience was the complete and total unconditional love I felt for everybody I saw, whether I knew them well, liked them, didn't like them, loved them (there were many more of those) or was indifferent. The love I felt for all of them was overwhelming and powerful.
Slowly and uneventfully I came back to myself. It actually took a week or a little longer to be completely back to normal. I had no idea what happened to me. I certainly didn't see any connection between the yoga I was practicing and the blast of energy I experienced. It wasn't until a few months later when my friend, Patrice, came to visit for Sierra's rite of womanhood. Patrice has been teaching yoga for free for many long years. She used to teach at Casa De Luc which is what she was doing during this time. The subject of Kundalini just happen to come up during her visit and she started talking about the serpent and life force that lives at the spine and the awakening and Shakti and the movement of energy from the spine to the crown chakra. I told her with a rapid heart beat and quick tongue what happen to me. The first question she asked me was "had you been practicing any kind of yoga at the time?" OMG! Yes, Kundalini even. The mystery was solved. She told me that I should take it up again and I said I would.
That was 10 years ago almost. Now, here I am feeling the vitality and rejuvenation. Perhaps something awakened in me that I have kept dormant, it's time to experiment. I just don't want any more creepy snakes taking charge. I jest, it was a beautiful experience and I will always cherish it.
The spiritual aspect is amazing but the wonderful side affect is the amped up energy I've been feeling since I began practice. You really should try it if you want to get more out of your day and your fitness program. Within 30 minutes after yoga I went to Ramsey. They used to have a clock up so I could time my work outs but that is no longer there. I have adapted by counting the number of laps I do. My laps aren't all the way across the pool, they are just to the deep end rope. Treading water is my warm up method. I do that to the wall and back 3 times and then just mix it up from there alternating between backstrock, breast stroke and freestyle and this weird thing I do that really works my abs. I begin in a seated position and move through the water engaging my abs and using my arms. Holding the legs up keeps the abs engaged. I kind of had to play with this motion for a while to get the most out of it but I've got it down now. I do all movement to the wall and back to the line 4 times and repeat once.
Well, I think I'm finally petered out and ready for bed. I bet I sleep soundly.
STAY DETERMINED!!
I just have to reiterate the virtues of Kundalini. Wow, I made it to work a little early this morning because I woke up wide-eyed at 5:30 a.m. Amy, Mike and I did about a 30 minute, high energy Kundalini yoga session this afternoon and not only did I swim for 30 minutes afterward but I came home and cleaned the kitchen, did laundry and cut up some fruit and veggies for tomorrow. That is big time rare for me. Like I said, don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Kundalini Yoga absolutely rejuvenated, revitalized and kicked my energy into high gear. I have been awake for 16 hours and am just now winding down.
What is Kundalini? Kundalini is a serpentine energy in Hindu mysticism that lives at the base of the spine. I repeat, energy, they don't actually believe that two serpents are really living in our bodies like tape worms. Actually, the symbol for medicine, you know the staff with the 2 serpents intertwining around it? The image is derived from Kundalini. It is also known as Kundalini Shakti. When one invokes Shakti, you invoke the creative force, desire, universal energy, when awakened it moves up the spine awakening all of the chakras along the journey finally meeting with the crown chakra achieving enlightenment. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini.
One way to achieve the awakening is to practice kundalini yoga. There are many westerners that practice for this purpose but for the most part the sole purpose is to lose weight and get fit.
Let me tell you my own personal experience with Kundalini rising. If you stick around long enough you're bound to hear some pretty interesting stories from my life. This is one of those tales.
I had checked out a VHS tape on Kundalini yoga from my university library. It was called "Breath of Fire". I had no idea the differences between yoga disciplines at the time and don't know why I chose that particular tape, perhaps it was the only one available.
All six of my kids were living in the house at the time so it was very rare for me to have the house to myself which was the only time I would ever do any kind of working out. Every time I plugged in a Jane Fonda or Denise Austin tape and I started jumping around with my boobs bobbing the little ones would laugh hysterically, especially River. It was so distracting and un-nerving that I would never work out in front of them. So, my point is that I managed to get instruction from the tape just a few times. I was about 37-38.
One summer solstice night I was with a group of friends reveling after welcoming the longest day of the year. I was just standing in a room talking to my friend, Larry, when suddenly I felt this shock of energy literally move from the top of my skull and down my spine. Once it hit my spine my eyes rolled back in my head and I fell to my knees. Everybody panicked and ran to me, all of them complaining about how they couldn't touch me because I was so hot. Ginger had healing hands and came to my side to see what she could do for me but she couldn't even stand near me, her sensitivity to the heat my body was generating was too much. She brought me several cold towels, laid them all over my body and quickly moved across the room.
I have no idea how long I laid on the floor in that room, aware of the din but more aware of a humming that nobody else could hear. Just as suddenly as the bolt of energy hit me, I sat straight up and began walking through the crowd. I felt this very serpentine energy present in my body that seemed to be using me to watch the revelers. This was a strange sensation in itself but the most extraordinary experience was the complete and total unconditional love I felt for everybody I saw, whether I knew them well, liked them, didn't like them, loved them (there were many more of those) or was indifferent. The love I felt for all of them was overwhelming and powerful.
Slowly and uneventfully I came back to myself. It actually took a week or a little longer to be completely back to normal. I had no idea what happened to me. I certainly didn't see any connection between the yoga I was practicing and the blast of energy I experienced. It wasn't until a few months later when my friend, Patrice, came to visit for Sierra's rite of womanhood. Patrice has been teaching yoga for free for many long years. She used to teach at Casa De Luc which is what she was doing during this time. The subject of Kundalini just happen to come up during her visit and she started talking about the serpent and life force that lives at the spine and the awakening and Shakti and the movement of energy from the spine to the crown chakra. I told her with a rapid heart beat and quick tongue what happen to me. The first question she asked me was "had you been practicing any kind of yoga at the time?" OMG! Yes, Kundalini even. The mystery was solved. She told me that I should take it up again and I said I would.
That was 10 years ago almost. Now, here I am feeling the vitality and rejuvenation. Perhaps something awakened in me that I have kept dormant, it's time to experiment. I just don't want any more creepy snakes taking charge. I jest, it was a beautiful experience and I will always cherish it.
The spiritual aspect is amazing but the wonderful side affect is the amped up energy I've been feeling since I began practice. You really should try it if you want to get more out of your day and your fitness program. Within 30 minutes after yoga I went to Ramsey. They used to have a clock up so I could time my work outs but that is no longer there. I have adapted by counting the number of laps I do. My laps aren't all the way across the pool, they are just to the deep end rope. Treading water is my warm up method. I do that to the wall and back 3 times and then just mix it up from there alternating between backstrock, breast stroke and freestyle and this weird thing I do that really works my abs. I begin in a seated position and move through the water engaging my abs and using my arms. Holding the legs up keeps the abs engaged. I kind of had to play with this motion for a while to get the most out of it but I've got it down now. I do all movement to the wall and back to the line 4 times and repeat once.
Well, I think I'm finally petered out and ready for bed. I bet I sleep soundly.
STAY DETERMINED!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Daily blogging and Kundalini
There is nothing like a good ego boost to get one motivated. One of my blog followers asked me if I'd be interested in blogging on a daily basis. I told her that I feared appearing self-important and narcissistic. She told me that my fan base could benefit from it. Fan base? Really? Me? How can I turn that down? Especially when she ended the chat with "I have to go run".
A daily blog could be a bit of a challenge for me but I will give it my best shot. As my sister would tell you, I always have a lot to say so that's not a problem, I just need to find the time but if I can fit fitness into my schedule I can find the time to share my experiences, challenges, successes, daily routine and my reflections on all of the above.
I have to admit, I haven't been fitting in the fitness as much as I would like, seems like all my best intentions have been thwarted this week, the rhythm is off in spite of my best efforts to keep on track. Its unfortunate as I was off to a great start this weekend and I give credit for that to the Kundalini yoga I did on Friday.
Hatha yoga is about stretching, moving energy and finding balance, this is a very simplified description of course. Most videos or yoga classes are some form of Hatha yoga. Kundalini is different because it is more aerobic in nature and the result is a blast of high energy. You get your chi moving through rapid, repetitive, big movements where as with Hatha the movements are smaller, more subtle and you remain in the positions for a longer period of time. Breath of fire is big in Kundalini. It is sort of like the kind of breathing you think of when a woman is in labor which is very different from the gentle breathing of hatha.
My boss, Amy, Mike and I did about 40 minutes of a 60 minute Kundalini video Friday. If it were at the end of the day we would have watched it in it's entirely and then gone home to shower, or in my case, rinse off in the outdoor shower at Ramsey and jump in. I was energized beyond belief all weekend. I even cooked and I hate to cook. Have I mentioned that? Yay, Johnny does the cooking but that means I have to eat what he cooks which does not exactly lend itself to weight loss. That's why I never mention I ate for dinner, I don't want anybody usually following my example.
I chopped up some summer squash and carrots and heated them up in a skillet with coconut oil. Have you ever had coconut oil? It is amazing!!! It makes food so buttery tasting but it's unsaturated and considered a heart healthy food. http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/ It comes in a glass jar similar to almond butter, you can find it with the other cooking oils. I mixed the two veggies in with some penne and it was amazing. My vegetarian daughter and her vegetarian friend were with me and they loved it. So simple, right? I cooked the pasta while the veggies were sauteing and in no time I had a wonderful summer lunch, plenty for all 5 of us. Sadie and River loved it too.
Aside from feeling the urge to cook, I also cleaned so much that I ran out of things to do inside (there is plenty I want to do outside but it's way too hot for me). I even almost bought an air conditioner for my sewing room so I could clean that up and get to sewing. My energy was off the charts through Monday morning when I gathered all of the healthy food I could find to take with me to work like the left over penne, blue berries, cantaloupe, shredded chicken, cherub tomatoes and Central Markets Oat and flax oatmeal which I cook with the quart of almond milk I have at work. I gathered all of my food, swim suit, blanket, towel and hair claw. Once I got to work and checked my messages I took my morning break and in spite of the heat power walked for 15 minutes around the school. I thought of Lorene telling me she was going to run when it was still so hot outside, the morning was 20 degrees cooler, it was do-able.
I had canteloupe for breakfast. Somebody else brought some as well so I had a melon feast. It was so good. My mid-morning snack was a few tomatoes and for lunch I had left over penne.
I am jazzed by the idea of writing daily. It will keep me real with myself and you as well. Knowing I have motivated at least one person keeps me motivated.
I apologize for the format of the blog. Nobody how I try to format for easy reading it never turns out the way I want. Any tips on formatting are welcome.
STAY DETERMINED!
A daily blog could be a bit of a challenge for me but I will give it my best shot. As my sister would tell you, I always have a lot to say so that's not a problem, I just need to find the time but if I can fit fitness into my schedule I can find the time to share my experiences, challenges, successes, daily routine and my reflections on all of the above.
I have to admit, I haven't been fitting in the fitness as much as I would like, seems like all my best intentions have been thwarted this week, the rhythm is off in spite of my best efforts to keep on track. Its unfortunate as I was off to a great start this weekend and I give credit for that to the Kundalini yoga I did on Friday.
Hatha yoga is about stretching, moving energy and finding balance, this is a very simplified description of course. Most videos or yoga classes are some form of Hatha yoga. Kundalini is different because it is more aerobic in nature and the result is a blast of high energy. You get your chi moving through rapid, repetitive, big movements where as with Hatha the movements are smaller, more subtle and you remain in the positions for a longer period of time. Breath of fire is big in Kundalini. It is sort of like the kind of breathing you think of when a woman is in labor which is very different from the gentle breathing of hatha.
My boss, Amy, Mike and I did about 40 minutes of a 60 minute Kundalini video Friday. If it were at the end of the day we would have watched it in it's entirely and then gone home to shower, or in my case, rinse off in the outdoor shower at Ramsey and jump in. I was energized beyond belief all weekend. I even cooked and I hate to cook. Have I mentioned that? Yay, Johnny does the cooking but that means I have to eat what he cooks which does not exactly lend itself to weight loss. That's why I never mention I ate for dinner, I don't want anybody usually following my example.
I chopped up some summer squash and carrots and heated them up in a skillet with coconut oil. Have you ever had coconut oil? It is amazing!!! It makes food so buttery tasting but it's unsaturated and considered a heart healthy food. http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/ It comes in a glass jar similar to almond butter, you can find it with the other cooking oils. I mixed the two veggies in with some penne and it was amazing. My vegetarian daughter and her vegetarian friend were with me and they loved it. So simple, right? I cooked the pasta while the veggies were sauteing and in no time I had a wonderful summer lunch, plenty for all 5 of us. Sadie and River loved it too.
Aside from feeling the urge to cook, I also cleaned so much that I ran out of things to do inside (there is plenty I want to do outside but it's way too hot for me). I even almost bought an air conditioner for my sewing room so I could clean that up and get to sewing. My energy was off the charts through Monday morning when I gathered all of the healthy food I could find to take with me to work like the left over penne, blue berries, cantaloupe, shredded chicken, cherub tomatoes and Central Markets Oat and flax oatmeal which I cook with the quart of almond milk I have at work. I gathered all of my food, swim suit, blanket, towel and hair claw. Once I got to work and checked my messages I took my morning break and in spite of the heat power walked for 15 minutes around the school. I thought of Lorene telling me she was going to run when it was still so hot outside, the morning was 20 degrees cooler, it was do-able.
I had canteloupe for breakfast. Somebody else brought some as well so I had a melon feast. It was so good. My mid-morning snack was a few tomatoes and for lunch I had left over penne.
I am jazzed by the idea of writing daily. It will keep me real with myself and you as well. Knowing I have motivated at least one person keeps me motivated.
I apologize for the format of the blog. Nobody how I try to format for easy reading it never turns out the way I want. Any tips on formatting are welcome.
STAY DETERMINED!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Getting back on track
Sometimes we receive messages exactly when we need them. Mine came to me this morning in the form of an email from Jillian Michaels. Her words, “Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost. And if you miss a workout, it's not the end of the world! Get to the gym the next day and continue to focus on your short-term goals. Just because you made bad choices today doesn't mean you can't start over tomorrow. New day, new beginning. And don't you forget it! “
I WON’T forget it, thank you, Jillian! I needed to hear those words. The reason? After a much needed cup of coffee upon my return to work ending a week-long vacay I went straight to the scales, anticipating the reaching of my short-term goal of getting under 210 lbs. I stepped on the scale with a smile on my face, moved the bar across the balance beam and - Wah wah wahhhhh (cartoon sound for disappointment, failure, etc.). I had gained 4 1/2 lbs of the 9 ½ I was so jazzed up about losing. Needless to say, I was kinda devastated……. But only for like 15 minutes. Disappointment has always been one of my downfalls, I used to give up easily when I felt defeated or should I say defeat was my enemy. Jillian reminded me that this is not a defeat. It is a bump in the road and one that can be overcome. I can sulk about it and give up or I can get back on track, the choice is simple because one leads to inevitable weight gain and the other to my goal - weight loss. It’s a no-brainer. I summon Ida K.
I reviewed my past week and assessed where I went wrong. I thought that swimming every day for 20 minutes was adequate. But, my previous post clearly states that I attributed working out twice a day for 20 minutes to my success and yoga was big part of it as well. I didn’t do either during my break. I thought being at home would work in my favor but as I confessed before, I was distracted by home improvement projects, converting capris to shorts (convinced that they will be way to big for me once short wearing season is over at work and the capris would no longer fit me anyway) and I was pulled in so many different directions taking the kids here and there – back and forth and back and forth all day long. I’m actually happy to be back at work.
Another aspect of my program that I slacked on was eating small meals throughout the day. I have learned that alternating between 2 choices every day keeps it simpler for me. I used to come up with these elaborate meal plans but for me keeping it simple is the key. For example:
Monday, Weds, Fri. A.M.- apples dipped in low fat organic yogurt, any flavor (not Dannon or any of those brands that are full of sugar, purchase Stoneyfield or one of the other organics.)
Monday, Weds., Fri. mid morn. – Go lean with strawberries
Monday, Weds. Fri Lunch – grilled chicken with salad veggies
Monday, Weds. Fri afternoon snack – cup of almonds
Tues. Thurs. A.M. – Cantaloupe w/ skim milk string cheese
Tues., Thurs. mid morning – bowl of low fat vanilla yogurt with fruit of choice
Tues, Thurs. lunch – Low carb tortilla with black beans or chicken, avocado, sprouts, spinach
Tues. Thurs. afternoon snack – small cherub tomatoes or sliced cucumber with ginger dressing.
What did work for me:
- Eating small healthy meals through out the day
- Sticking to a routine as much as possible.
- Plan meals, purchase food at the beginning of the week based on the meal plan so I don’t go out for a burger.
- 2 - 20 minute work outs a day. Yoga is a must for me.
- Stay positive and determined
- Blogging has helped me so much. Everybody’s support and encouragement keeps me honest with myself and I want to be successful so that others know that it’s possible. It has also been a great therapy for me. Thanks for allowing me to indulge in my narcissism.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Weight loss post #3 - The horrors and joys of transformation
Have you ever seen the movie "The Fly"? The one with Jeff Goldblum? His character, Brundle, demonstrates a teleportation devise and unbeknownst to him a common house fly joins him on the short journey to the second pod. The teleporter mixes his DNA with the fly's and eventually Brundle becomes a grotesque human/ fly hybrid. The transformation evolves from sudden stamina, sexual prowess and strength greater than he had ever had to vomiting enzymes on his food for digestion and worst of all, losing his human compassion. It wasn't until well into his transformation that he realized he had become Brundlefly. The complete horror at his realization of what was happening to him and that he was powerless over his changing, eventually unrecognizable body always stuck with me. What horror I felt at the idea of such helplessness. It was like the nightmare in which all of your teeth fall out of your mouth or you suddenly becoming paralyzed. That is true terror.
I remember that moment for me. The moment when I became unrecognizable. It was soon after my husband and I separated and as I mentioned in a previous post I gained 30 lbs after I met Johnny. I was living with my friend, Ginger, in Arlington. She and her girlfriend, Jodi, were enrolled in this monthly meat membership which came with a refrigerator that was used just to fill with all of the meat you ordered. I had never seen or have not since seen so much meat in a residence. And, if you'll recall, I was a "vegetarian" up to that point. My occasional secret Whataburgers had nothing on the pounds of meat that were in that fridge, the meat that I helped consume.
Ginger and I were preparing food for a party when I noticed this polaroid picture of Ginger with two other people. I recognized one of the women but the third I had never seen before. I remember thinking she had a pretty, sweet face but had 1 too many chins. I asked Ginger who it was and she said, "That's you, Mama (her nickname for me)". I forgot that my initial impression of this stranger was one of instant affection, all I could see was a grotesque monster with an enormously fat face. I excused myself and went to my room to cry. I was going through a divorce, had 4 kids age 7 and under with no job, no job experience to speak of as I had been a stay-at-home mom my entire adult life and my ex blocked me from any financial access but that image of me is what put me over the edge. I had become the Brundlefly, I was never the same again after that. My self esteem, which was pretty healthy up to that point (save for my junior high years), plummeted in spite of being surrounded by a large social circle filled with love and adoration. They saw me as beautiful but I just thought they had bad taste. I didn't believe them for a minute.
I went through several fitness programs while I was in college in Denton in my 30's and managed to lose 40 lbs by the time I graduated at 40. I obtained that degree I had worked so hard for, graduated Magna Cum Laude, I was feeling good about myself, single again and ready to take on Austin, Texas. I was making new friends and invited to parties and feeling good about my new life and then suddenly, I was blind sided, I became a social outcast. I heard about parties that not only was I not invited to but specifically not invited to. I never knew then and still don't know to this day why these people who I was developing an affection for had shunned me, I had become typhoid Carrie. I was completely knocked off balance. That's what causes weight gain for me I have realized, being knocked off balance. I was used to being a part of a large group of friends all of my life. I have a pack animal mentality, happiest when I am surrounded by love and laughter and large groups. Perhaps this is the reason for my large family. I have had that most of my life. People think that as an adult we should have grown beyond the need for social acceptance and usually I would just move on, but this was so profound and in my face as these were people I saw every day. People I had never even spoken to would not look me in the eyes.
Insomnia manifested as I laid awake at night wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve such rejection. My physical well-being deteriorated as the sleepless nights consumed me. I felt that I must be defective to the core if that many people rejected me, once again I was the Brundlefly so I gained all of that weight back and then some to prove it. I had never experienced anything like it, well, except for junior high when I moved from Corpus to Katy with my pimply faced, scrawny self. I was knocked off balance by the culture shock.
Junior High was for me the lowest point in my life (I'm sure many of you had similar experiences). But I found my inner strength through Ida K. Walton, a dermatologist in Houston. She taught me how to eat healthier, eliminating greasy foods, soda and cheese which were all staples in my household my entire life. It was a challenge to convince my mom to change the way I ate but I stuck to it and transformed from a pimply faced, lanky, insecure girl to a confident and attractive young woman. I owe so much to Ida K. She called me her "angel with spun gold hair". It was because of her that I learned how to drive myself to achieve a goal.
It was the memories of that adolescent strength and transformation that I recalled over and over again when I felt my self esteem waning. I did a lot of journaling and talked for countless hours to my dear friends from far away and my twin sister who have all always loved me unconditionally to pull me through that depression. I'd say it took about 4 years to really get to a good place and not feel judged every time I turned around, just occasionally. I reached my heaviest during that time, not making the connection between low self esteem and weight gain. I chalked it up to age and my childbearing years but thankfully, I live in Austin, Texas where a healthy life-style is woven into the culture. I see men and women of all ages in incredible shape. They remind me that fitness has no expiration date.
The lesson I have learned from those periods of insecurity is that in both instances I allowed other people's opinion of me to defeat me. The hows and why's are irrelevant although I still wonder but the mystery no longer consumes me. Those long conversations I've had with my enlightened friends made me realize that I am a loving, witty, smart, compassionate person worth loving and I deserve the very best I can give myself. The love has to come from within because if you expect the outside world to provide it for you, you will never find it. That's the place I had to get to to really sink my teeth into getting healthy and happy, self love. I am finally back on that path and as determined as the 13-year-old Carrie was to succeed.
I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks but that's only because my scale is at work and I'm on vacation and not about to step foot back in there until I have to. Sierra and I stopped by for what was supposed to be long enough to make a phone call that couldn't wait but we ended up staying an hour. I thought that since I was at home and on my own schedule I'd have plenty of time for excercise but I got my hands on a sewing machine so I've been working on a lot of projects at home. I have managed to swim every day even if it is just treading water due to the packed pool but I work hard at that treading. My clothes continue to fit me loser and loser and I actually look forward to weighing myself on Friday. I'll let you know what the results are. Stay Determermined.
I remember that moment for me. The moment when I became unrecognizable. It was soon after my husband and I separated and as I mentioned in a previous post I gained 30 lbs after I met Johnny. I was living with my friend, Ginger, in Arlington. She and her girlfriend, Jodi, were enrolled in this monthly meat membership which came with a refrigerator that was used just to fill with all of the meat you ordered. I had never seen or have not since seen so much meat in a residence. And, if you'll recall, I was a "vegetarian" up to that point. My occasional secret Whataburgers had nothing on the pounds of meat that were in that fridge, the meat that I helped consume.
Ginger and I were preparing food for a party when I noticed this polaroid picture of Ginger with two other people. I recognized one of the women but the third I had never seen before. I remember thinking she had a pretty, sweet face but had 1 too many chins. I asked Ginger who it was and she said, "That's you, Mama (her nickname for me)". I forgot that my initial impression of this stranger was one of instant affection, all I could see was a grotesque monster with an enormously fat face. I excused myself and went to my room to cry. I was going through a divorce, had 4 kids age 7 and under with no job, no job experience to speak of as I had been a stay-at-home mom my entire adult life and my ex blocked me from any financial access but that image of me is what put me over the edge. I had become the Brundlefly, I was never the same again after that. My self esteem, which was pretty healthy up to that point (save for my junior high years), plummeted in spite of being surrounded by a large social circle filled with love and adoration. They saw me as beautiful but I just thought they had bad taste. I didn't believe them for a minute.
I went through several fitness programs while I was in college in Denton in my 30's and managed to lose 40 lbs by the time I graduated at 40. I obtained that degree I had worked so hard for, graduated Magna Cum Laude, I was feeling good about myself, single again and ready to take on Austin, Texas. I was making new friends and invited to parties and feeling good about my new life and then suddenly, I was blind sided, I became a social outcast. I heard about parties that not only was I not invited to but specifically not invited to. I never knew then and still don't know to this day why these people who I was developing an affection for had shunned me, I had become typhoid Carrie. I was completely knocked off balance. That's what causes weight gain for me I have realized, being knocked off balance. I was used to being a part of a large group of friends all of my life. I have a pack animal mentality, happiest when I am surrounded by love and laughter and large groups. Perhaps this is the reason for my large family. I have had that most of my life. People think that as an adult we should have grown beyond the need for social acceptance and usually I would just move on, but this was so profound and in my face as these were people I saw every day. People I had never even spoken to would not look me in the eyes.
Insomnia manifested as I laid awake at night wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve such rejection. My physical well-being deteriorated as the sleepless nights consumed me. I felt that I must be defective to the core if that many people rejected me, once again I was the Brundlefly so I gained all of that weight back and then some to prove it. I had never experienced anything like it, well, except for junior high when I moved from Corpus to Katy with my pimply faced, scrawny self. I was knocked off balance by the culture shock.
Junior High was for me the lowest point in my life (I'm sure many of you had similar experiences). But I found my inner strength through Ida K. Walton, a dermatologist in Houston. She taught me how to eat healthier, eliminating greasy foods, soda and cheese which were all staples in my household my entire life. It was a challenge to convince my mom to change the way I ate but I stuck to it and transformed from a pimply faced, lanky, insecure girl to a confident and attractive young woman. I owe so much to Ida K. She called me her "angel with spun gold hair". It was because of her that I learned how to drive myself to achieve a goal.
It was the memories of that adolescent strength and transformation that I recalled over and over again when I felt my self esteem waning. I did a lot of journaling and talked for countless hours to my dear friends from far away and my twin sister who have all always loved me unconditionally to pull me through that depression. I'd say it took about 4 years to really get to a good place and not feel judged every time I turned around, just occasionally. I reached my heaviest during that time, not making the connection between low self esteem and weight gain. I chalked it up to age and my childbearing years but thankfully, I live in Austin, Texas where a healthy life-style is woven into the culture. I see men and women of all ages in incredible shape. They remind me that fitness has no expiration date.
The lesson I have learned from those periods of insecurity is that in both instances I allowed other people's opinion of me to defeat me. The hows and why's are irrelevant although I still wonder but the mystery no longer consumes me. Those long conversations I've had with my enlightened friends made me realize that I am a loving, witty, smart, compassionate person worth loving and I deserve the very best I can give myself. The love has to come from within because if you expect the outside world to provide it for you, you will never find it. That's the place I had to get to to really sink my teeth into getting healthy and happy, self love. I am finally back on that path and as determined as the 13-year-old Carrie was to succeed.
I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks but that's only because my scale is at work and I'm on vacation and not about to step foot back in there until I have to. Sierra and I stopped by for what was supposed to be long enough to make a phone call that couldn't wait but we ended up staying an hour. I thought that since I was at home and on my own schedule I'd have plenty of time for excercise but I got my hands on a sewing machine so I've been working on a lot of projects at home. I have managed to swim every day even if it is just treading water due to the packed pool but I work hard at that treading. My clothes continue to fit me loser and loser and I actually look forward to weighing myself on Friday. I'll let you know what the results are. Stay Determermined.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
You must stay determined
I am 47-years-old and have given birth to 6 children. Two very good reasons for feeling like there is no point in trying to lose weight. A doctor even told me once that after being pregnant so many times that I might as well get used to being heavy because no amount of exercise was going to undo the damage done. It wasn’t until a 50 +-year-old woman won the Biggest Loser that I thought the more years that passed the least likely it would be for me to fit in my Daisy Dukes again (I actually still own them, they fit Sierra). I used every excuse in the book but like with every life-changing stage, one moment changed all of that.
I was sitting in my Jeep this past April watching River’s baseball practice. His practice field is on Caesar Chavez right on Lady Bird Lake. For those of you unfamiliar with Austin, Lady Bird Lake (previously known as and sometimes still referred to as Town Lake) is a mecca for fitness buffs. Thousands of people every day run/walk/jog/bike along the 5 or so mile trail that runs along side its shore. If you are on or near the trail and not exercising in some form shape or fashion you feel like a complete loser. That’s what I was doing, I was watching all the fit and beautiful people in Austin run right past me while I snacked on a P. Terry’s cheeseburger.
I do a lot of waiting on kids in my car. I take advantage of the precious down time by catching up with all my big kids on the phone. That particular day I called Jesse, my second oldest and most actively involved in a fitness program which for the most part consists of yoga and running a lot. I told him how tired I had been and dizzy which had consistently been my physical state for a few years. He asked me what I was doing and I told him where I was. He had been encouraging me to begin an exercise regime for a long time. But, there was something different about that day and his voice. It was a combination of desperation for me to finally do something about my health and a concern that I had never detected before. It was something about how he said,
"Mom, just get out of the car right now and walk around the lake. You might be tired but I guarantee that you will feel energized if you just get out and walk, hang up right now and walk”.
Noting the sense of urgency in his tone, I did just that. I got out and walked. It was a cool Texas Spring evening, the most amazingly beautiful day and I wasn’t looking at it from the inside of my car anymore. I was in it, breathing it in, passing joggers by instead of watching them jog by. I wasn’t the lazy by-stander anymore I was part of the mix. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step. That was my first step.
Now, I don’t want to mislead anybody. It’s not like I walked the lake that day and never looked back. Being a full time mom and working a full time job makes it difficult to fit in routine of any kind if it doesn’t have to do with kids. MANY of you out there know what I’m talking about. Every time I’d begin a routine something would throw a wrench in it like an injury or one of my kids schedules would change or it was too hot or too cold or the pool closed or my shoes hurt my feet. That has been my downfall in the past, I let change throw me off. I let my busy life be my excuse. I decided that day as I was walking around the lake that this time it would be different. There has to be a way and I would find it. It wasn't just about me, it was about my family.
As all of you working parents know, work gets in the way of life. I decided that I would incorporate fitness into the daily grind somehow. Conference/workshop season was winding down which meant that I had a more flexible schedule and luckily, I have a flexible boss as well. There are a handful of smokers at my work and I would say they are outside at the smoking area about an hour total a day. I presented to my boss the idea of fitness breaks that would equal the time the smokers spent on theirs. She was 100% on board. I figured yoga would be the best form of exercise at work as opposed to a strenuous and sweaty aerobic workout. So, I started offering yoga breaks with Rodney Yee. I collected all of my unused DVDs and put them to use. Others donated some and now we have a respectable collection. Boy, was I wrong when I assumed you don't break much of a sweat with yoga. It is a heck of a work out but if I go more than two or three days without it, I crave it like chocolate.
I spoke to a friend of mine yesterday at a happy hour about yoga. She had the same concerns I did, how can you do the yoga moves like cobra when you have a bit fat belly blocking your every stretch? The answer, just adapt to what your body is capable of doing. When I began I could barely stretch or grab my feet in child's pose but with every practice I can stretch further and my belly is melting slowly away so I am capable of doing more. My core is stronger and I can put myself in positions that I haven't been in for a long time. Just within yoga itself you can make small goals that are very reachable. I have found that reaching those small goals makes the idea of realizing the ultimate one that much more attainable.
Other folks in my office caught the health kick bug and asked me join them in their favorite exercises. I walk in the mornings around the campus with one co-worker and swam at our campus pool with another. The pool closed after students went home for the summer 3 weeks after I got into the routine. In the past I would have used it as an excuse but luckily a public pool close to work opened a week after that, my daughter is on the swim team so it was easy to change my routine and begin swimming there. Now, when I say swim I don't mean like those die-hard swimmers that swim lap after lap after lap in the lanes. When I'm in the pool I tread water or bicycle engaging my abs or I do the breast stroke engaging my gluts or do the back strock to tone my arms and abs. Whatever the stroke or motion I do, I work my abs. That is my least favorite part of my body and the reason I can't wear what I want. I don't have big thighs or butt, actually, those are my favorite physical traits. Whatever you do, work on the part of your body that you want to change the most. Between yoga and swimming you elongate your muscles which makes for a stronger and leaner frame.
My point is find what works for you and what your community offers. If it's not there, create it. I am fortunate to live in Austin because there are dozens of free pools in our city and lots of great places to walk/run/jog/bike. If your city isn't fitness friendly take some dumb bells to work or do ab exercises at your desk chair. Instead of eating on your lunch break, walk or climb stairs and eat at your desk. I think the key for me is that I do 2 20-30 minute exercises a day if not more. It keeps my metabolism working for me.
I was sticking to my routine for about 3 weeks before I began to see results. I lost about 1 1/2 lbs the first week I started to lose weight. I was happy about that because I was steadily at 222 lbs without budging 1 way or the other so that was a huge deal for me. The last two weeks of school were crazy busy so I was a bit off, i didn't want to weigh myself because I was afraid the scale would climb back up when I stepped on it. I put on a skirt I hadn't worn in a while and it seemed loser on me so I thought I would weigh myself anyway. I didn't have my glasses on when I moved the weight across the bar (old school medical scale) but I was pretty sure I saw 214 lbs. Excited, I jumped off the scale and ran to my cubicle to get my glasses, passing my walking partner along the way. I told her what I thought I saw and she high-fived me. Glasses secured on my face I went back to the little storage room with the scale and there it was.... 113 1/2 lbs. My efforts were paying off. I had lost 9 1/2 lbs, 8 of those in 2 weeks. One reason why it seemed so unbelievable to me was because I didn't feel deprived or over worked to earn it. I enjoyed my routine and now, finally, I was seeing results. I want everybody who is tired of looking in the mirror or struggling to buckle their shoes or bend down to pick up a dropped pen or dig under the sink to look for that last trash bag to feel the exhileration I felt. It doesn't take much, just take the first step and as Sadie's t-shirt says "You must stay determined"
To sum it up:
I was sticking to my routine for about 3 weeks before I began to see results. I lost about 1 1/2 lbs the first week I started to lose weight. I was happy about that because I was steadily at 222 lbs without budging 1 way or the other so that was a huge deal for me. The last two weeks of school were crazy busy so I was a bit off, i didn't want to weigh myself because I was afraid the scale would climb back up when I stepped on it. I put on a skirt I hadn't worn in a while and it seemed loser on me so I thought I would weigh myself anyway. I didn't have my glasses on when I moved the weight across the bar (old school medical scale) but I was pretty sure I saw 214 lbs. Excited, I jumped off the scale and ran to my cubicle to get my glasses, passing my walking partner along the way. I told her what I thought I saw and she high-fived me. Glasses secured on my face I went back to the little storage room with the scale and there it was.... 113 1/2 lbs. My efforts were paying off. I had lost 9 1/2 lbs, 8 of those in 2 weeks. One reason why it seemed so unbelievable to me was because I didn't feel deprived or over worked to earn it. I enjoyed my routine and now, finally, I was seeing results. I want everybody who is tired of looking in the mirror or struggling to buckle their shoes or bend down to pick up a dropped pen or dig under the sink to look for that last trash bag to feel the exhileration I felt. It doesn't take much, just take the first step and as Sadie's t-shirt says "You must stay determined"
To sum it up:
- Find a partner
- Fit fitness into your day, even on a small scale. After a while you will see results.
- Set small attainable goals for instance with yoga, set a goal to reach you ankle when all you can reach is your calf. Swim half a lap further than you have in the past. Just step outside and start walking. Your body doesn't want those extra pounds to carry around, it will let the lbs go if you give it a chance.
- Create a fit community if that's what it takes.
- Believe in yourself, you will lose weight.
- Write about it, blog about it, talk about it. Hold yourself accountable.
Friday, June 10, 2011
My Journey to Weight Gain
My Journey to Weight Gain
I have been journaling since I was 9-years-old. The writing process has been my therapy and awakening. When I had no one to talk to, had a secret crush or felt misunderstood I could always turn to my writing to vent, grieve, express, obsess and contemplate without judgement. The process also allowed me to be more reflective when both writing in and reading them years later. I called my journals "time keepers" and as I completed one I'd wrap it in parchment paper, write the dates it covered, duct taped it and stored it for safe keeping. Two different times in my life I have lost everything I own, almost. And by lost I mean stolen and then what wasn't worth anything, burned or trashed. Somehow though, I have always managed to hold on to my "time keepers". My BFF, Kim, who has always documented our life through photos has loads of pictures thankfully, as mine were all burned. Between her photos and my time keepers, most of my teenage and early motherhood years are chronicled.
I continued to journal off and on throughout my life, I stopped for a long stretch after my journals were violated and used against me in my child custody battle. It was like being betrayed by a trusted confidant. I lost a lot of myself during that time, it's when my real weight loss battle began. During the most difficult time in my life I could no longer depend on the therapy that helped me through so many struggles.
I asked a woman I know who recently lost about 75 lbs what her secret was. She was a yo yo dieter. One day I saw her and she was as big as she had ever been and then when I saw her again 6 months later she looked like a new person. She is now a triathlete and looks absolutely amazing. She confided to me that counseling was the key for her. I filed that information away for later use as I have an aversion to therapy. It goes back to a history of betrayal. Recently, I remembered journaling like a long lost friend. I guess I have moved passed the block and am now ready to heal. Now, there is an entire new format for the written word called blogging. I feel like the only way I can release the fear of betrayal is to face the monster head on. I'll just put it out there for all to see, expose myself instead of fearing exposure.
You always hear about how people lose weight. They tell stories of changing their diet and exercising and that they struggle because of this and that but you never really know their full story which has always intrigued me. I want to share my story and my journey for two reasons, 1- if I put it out there I will feel more accountable for my weight loss and 2 - I feel it will be therapeutic for me. Everybody has to find what works for them, I guess I'm hoping this will be the key for me. And if I'm successful, I will have something meaningful to share, transformation.
My journey from being a skinny bitch to a big fat slob.
There are very few women I know who haven’t struggled with weight loss. Some battled the bulge their entire lives and weathered through some devastating and cruel years growing up. Some women began the struggle while they were in college. My twin sister was a victim of the freshman 15. I remember her walking through the door of my parent’s home in Katy, TX while visiting from UT during her first Winter break. I was shocked how her body had changed. Don’t get me wrong, she looked absolutely fabulous and the girl looked good in anything she put on. But I was used to skinny skinny on her. She never gained any more weight until well into her 30’s or maybe 40’s but she never lost the 15lbs either, thankfully. Still other women gain pregnancy weight and can’t ever find their way back to their pre-parenthood bods, or were pregnant 1 too many times to keep their girlish figure,. And yet another weight gain culprit is the unexpected biological milestone, this is the most devious cause of weight gain of them all. They are skinny bitches their entire life and then one year BAM, clothes they’ve been wearing for decades –I’ve seen some sad cases- are suddenly too small to button or zip and there they are, lying on their bed using a wire clothes hanger to help zip up their jeans. Remember those days with the Gloria Vanderbilt’s that were so tight even the skinniest bitches had to lie on the bed, suck in a deep breath, hook the hanger into the zipper and pull? I was one of those skinny bitches struggling on the bed with my size 0 jeans. God forbid I to move up to a size 1 and just avoid the battle all together.
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| That's me at 100 lbs middle right with my "Kelsoe". The beautiful bubble popping girl is Shelly Buse. All of these pictures were taken in the Katy High school smoking area except for the bottom right. RIP John Randolf |
Yes, I was a skinny bitch, and boy was I cocky about it. I just knew that I would remain that weight my entire life, even when the wise women around me told me that one day that would change I still insisted that my 5”, 8’ , 100lb frame would carry me through the rest of my life. My tall very thin mother was one of them, which allowed me some room for argument. She told me this because I ate like my older brother who was the opposite of a skinny bitch.
I’m not a skinny bitch anymore. I fall in the “weight gain due to 1 too many pregnancies” category. During my first 2 pregnancies I only weighed 125lbs at full term (see picture below of my full term pregnant 125 lb body) and within a week postpartum I was back in the size 3 jeans. With my third pregnancy I weighed 125 postpartum and never saw 100lbs again. I thought I was so fat, can you imagine? The good thing about that weight gain though is that a good portion of those pounds formed an actual butt on my back side, a quite nice one I must admit, something I didn’t have prior. I never looked forward to pep rallies or football games due to the lack of butt that I had, bleachers have no padding and neither did I. By my fourth child, at age 26 I reached 135 lbs and I was, in my eyes, a big fat disgusting slob. I wasn’t so cocky anymore and my mother passed away during that pregnancy so I was never able to tell her just how right she was.
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| The top left pic is me full term at 125 lbs (photos by Kimi) |
My story doesn’t end there, oh no. I am a mother of 6 which means more poundage. The interesting thing for me is that the most gain I’ve ever made were the years between my first four children’s births ‘ and my last two. I was a vegetarian for a good portion of my 20’s. O.K., O.K., this is carriekeepsitreal , right? So I’m going to be honest with you, I would sneak a Whataburger cheeseburger every now and then so I wasn’t by strict standards a vegetarian but I only cooked vegetarian for my family and chose the veggie plate when we went out to eat. Then……I met Johnny after my divorce. Johnny was a meat-eating, southern-cooking lovin’ fool. Within 6 months after meeting him I went from 135 lbs (maintained that weight for three years after having my 4th baby) to 160 lbs. That was by far my biggest jump in pounds. Two more babies and 20 years later after some successful weight loss stints just to gain it all back as of last week I weighed 222 lbs. That is the most I have ever weighed. I’m just keeping it real.
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