Have you ever seen the movie "The Fly"? The one with Jeff Goldblum? His character, Brundle, demonstrates a teleportation devise and unbeknownst to him a common house fly joins him on the short journey to the second pod. The teleporter mixes his DNA with the fly's and eventually Brundle becomes a grotesque human/ fly hybrid. The transformation evolves from sudden stamina, sexual prowess and strength greater than he had ever had to vomiting enzymes on his food for digestion and worst of all, losing his human compassion. It wasn't until well into his transformation that he realized he had become Brundlefly. The complete horror at his realization of what was happening to him and that he was powerless over his changing, eventually unrecognizable body always stuck with me. What horror I felt at the idea of such helplessness. It was like the nightmare in which all of your teeth fall out of your mouth or you suddenly becoming paralyzed. That is true terror.
I remember that moment for me. The moment when I became unrecognizable. It was soon after my husband and I separated and as I mentioned in a previous post I gained 30 lbs after I met Johnny. I was living with my friend, Ginger, in Arlington. She and her girlfriend, Jodi, were enrolled in this monthly meat membership which came with a refrigerator that was used just to fill with all of the meat you ordered. I had never seen or have not since seen so much meat in a residence. And, if you'll recall, I was a "vegetarian" up to that point. My occasional secret Whataburgers had nothing on the pounds of meat that were in that fridge, the meat that I helped consume.
Ginger and I were preparing food for a party when I noticed this polaroid picture of Ginger with two other people. I recognized one of the women but the third I had never seen before. I remember thinking she had a pretty, sweet face but had 1 too many chins. I asked Ginger who it was and she said, "That's you, Mama (her nickname for me)". I forgot that my initial impression of this stranger was one of instant affection, all I could see was a grotesque monster with an enormously fat face. I excused myself and went to my room to cry. I was going through a divorce, had 4 kids age 7 and under with no job, no job experience to speak of as I had been a stay-at-home mom my entire adult life and my ex blocked me from any financial access but that image of me is what put me over the edge. I had become the Brundlefly, I was never the same again after that. My self esteem, which was pretty healthy up to that point (save for my junior high years), plummeted in spite of being surrounded by a large social circle filled with love and adoration. They saw me as beautiful but I just thought they had bad taste. I didn't believe them for a minute.
I went through several fitness programs while I was in college in Denton in my 30's and managed to lose 40 lbs by the time I graduated at 40. I obtained that degree I had worked so hard for, graduated Magna Cum Laude, I was feeling good about myself, single again and ready to take on Austin, Texas. I was making new friends and invited to parties and feeling good about my new life and then suddenly, I was blind sided, I became a social outcast. I heard about parties that not only was I not invited to but specifically not invited to. I never knew then and still don't know to this day why these people who I was developing an affection for had shunned me, I had become typhoid Carrie. I was completely knocked off balance. That's what causes weight gain for me I have realized, being knocked off balance. I was used to being a part of a large group of friends all of my life. I have a pack animal mentality, happiest when I am surrounded by love and laughter and large groups. Perhaps this is the reason for my large family. I have had that most of my life. People think that as an adult we should have grown beyond the need for social acceptance and usually I would just move on, but this was so profound and in my face as these were people I saw every day. People I had never even spoken to would not look me in the eyes.
Insomnia manifested as I laid awake at night wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve such rejection. My physical well-being deteriorated as the sleepless nights consumed me. I felt that I must be defective to the core if that many people rejected me, once again I was the Brundlefly so I gained all of that weight back and then some to prove it. I had never experienced anything like it, well, except for junior high when I moved from Corpus to Katy with my pimply faced, scrawny self. I was knocked off balance by the culture shock.
Junior High was for me the lowest point in my life (I'm sure many of you had similar experiences). But I found my inner strength through Ida K. Walton, a dermatologist in Houston. She taught me how to eat healthier, eliminating greasy foods, soda and cheese which were all staples in my household my entire life. It was a challenge to convince my mom to change the way I ate but I stuck to it and transformed from a pimply faced, lanky, insecure girl to a confident and attractive young woman. I owe so much to Ida K. She called me her "angel with spun gold hair". It was because of her that I learned how to drive myself to achieve a goal.
It was the memories of that adolescent strength and transformation that I recalled over and over again when I felt my self esteem waning. I did a lot of journaling and talked for countless hours to my dear friends from far away and my twin sister who have all always loved me unconditionally to pull me through that depression. I'd say it took about 4 years to really get to a good place and not feel judged every time I turned around, just occasionally. I reached my heaviest during that time, not making the connection between low self esteem and weight gain. I chalked it up to age and my childbearing years but thankfully, I live in Austin, Texas where a healthy life-style is woven into the culture. I see men and women of all ages in incredible shape. They remind me that fitness has no expiration date.
The lesson I have learned from those periods of insecurity is that in both instances I allowed other people's opinion of me to defeat me. The hows and why's are irrelevant although I still wonder but the mystery no longer consumes me. Those long conversations I've had with my enlightened friends made me realize that I am a loving, witty, smart, compassionate person worth loving and I deserve the very best I can give myself. The love has to come from within because if you expect the outside world to provide it for you, you will never find it. That's the place I had to get to to really sink my teeth into getting healthy and happy, self love. I am finally back on that path and as determined as the 13-year-old Carrie was to succeed.
I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks but that's only because my scale is at work and I'm on vacation and not about to step foot back in there until I have to. Sierra and I stopped by for what was supposed to be long enough to make a phone call that couldn't wait but we ended up staying an hour. I thought that since I was at home and on my own schedule I'd have plenty of time for excercise but I got my hands on a sewing machine so I've been working on a lot of projects at home. I have managed to swim every day even if it is just treading water due to the packed pool but I work hard at that treading. My clothes continue to fit me loser and loser and I actually look forward to weighing myself on Friday. I'll let you know what the results are. Stay Determermined.
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