My Journey to Weight Gain

My Journey to Weight Gain

I have been journaling since I was 9-years-old. The writing process has been my therapy and awakening. When I had no one to talk to, had a secret crush or felt misunderstood I could always turn to my writing to vent, grieve, express, obsess and  contemplate without judgement. The process also allowed me to be more reflective when both writing in and reading them years later. I called my journals "time keepers" and as I completed one I'd wrap it in parchment paper, write the dates it covered, duct taped it and stored it for safe keeping. Two different times in my life I have lost everything I own, almost. And by lost I mean stolen and then what wasn't worth anything, burned or trashed. Somehow though, I have always managed to hold on to my "time keepers". My BFF, Kim, who has always documented our life through photos has loads of pictures thankfully, as mine were all burned. Between her photos and my time keepers, most of my teenage and early motherhood years are chronicled. 

I continued to journal off and on throughout my life, I stopped for a long stretch after my journals were violated and used against me in my child custody battle. It was like being betrayed by a trusted confidant. I lost a lot of myself during that time, it's when my real weight loss battle began. During the most difficult time in my life I could no longer depend on the therapy that helped me through so many struggles. 

 I asked a woman I know who recently lost about 75 lbs what her secret was. She was a yo yo dieter. One day I saw her and she was as big as she had ever been and then when I saw her again 6 months later she looked like a new person. She is now a triathlete and looks absolutely amazing. She confided to me that counseling was the key for her. I filed that information away for later use as I have an aversion to therapy. It goes back to a history of betrayal. Recently,  I remembered journaling like a long lost friend. I guess I have moved passed the block and am now ready to heal. Now, there is an entire new format for the written word called blogging. I feel like the only way I can release the fear of betrayal is to face the monster head on. I'll just put it out there for all to see, expose myself instead of fearing exposure.

You always hear about how people lose weight. They tell stories of changing their diet and exercising and that they struggle because of this and that but you never really know their full story which has always intrigued me. I want to share my story and my journey for two reasons, 1- if I put it out there I will feel more accountable for my weight loss and 2 - I feel it will be therapeutic for me. Everybody has to find what works for them, I guess I'm hoping this will be the key for me. And if I'm successful, I will have something meaningful to share, transformation.

My journey from being a skinny bitch to a big fat slob.

There are very few women I know who haven’t struggled with weight loss. Some battled the bulge their entire lives and weathered through some devastating and cruel years growing up.  Some women began the struggle while they were in college. My twin sister was a victim of the freshman 15. I remember her walking through the door of my parent’s home in Katy, TX while visiting from UT during her first Winter break. I was shocked how her body had changed. Don’t get me wrong, she looked absolutely fabulous and the girl looked good in anything she put on. But I was used to skinny skinny on her. She never gained any more weight until well into her 30’s or maybe 40’s but she never lost the 15lbs either, thankfully. Still other women gain pregnancy weight and can’t ever find their way back to their pre-parenthood bods, or were pregnant 1 too many times to keep their girlish figure,. And yet another weight gain culprit is the unexpected biological milestone, this is the most devious cause of weight gain of them all. They are  skinny bitches  their entire life and then one year BAM, clothes they’ve been wearing for decades –I’ve seen some sad cases- are suddenly too small to button or zip and there they are, lying on their bed using a wire clothes hanger to help zip up their jeans. Remember those days with the Gloria Vanderbilt’s that were so tight even the skinniest bitches had to lie on the bed, suck in a deep breath, hook the hanger into the zipper and pull?  I was one of those skinny bitches struggling on the bed with my size 0 jeans. God forbid I  to move up to a size 1 and just avoid the battle all together.

That's me at 100 lbs middle right with my "Kelsoe". The beautiful bubble popping girl is Shelly Buse. All of these pictures were taken in the Katy High school smoking area except for the bottom right. RIP John Randolf

Yes, I was a skinny bitch, and boy was I cocky about it. I just knew that I would remain that weight my entire life, even when the wise women around me told me that one day that would change I still insisted that my 5”, 8’ , 100lb frame would carry me through the rest of my life. My tall very thin mother was one of them, which allowed me some room for argument. She told me this because I ate like my older brother who was the opposite of a skinny bitch.

I’m not a skinny bitch anymore. I fall in the “weight  gain due to 1 too many pregnancies” category. During my first 2 pregnancies I only weighed 125lbs at full term (see picture below of my full term pregnant 125 lb body) and within a week postpartum I was back in the size 3 jeans.  With my third pregnancy I weighed 125 postpartum and never saw 100lbs again. I thought I was so fat, can you imagine? The good thing about that weight gain though is that a good portion of those pounds formed an actual butt on my back side, a quite nice one I must admit, something I didn’t have prior. I never looked forward to pep rallies or football games due to the lack of butt that I had, bleachers have no padding and neither did I. By my fourth child, at age 26 I reached 135 lbs and I was, in my eyes, a big fat disgusting slob. I wasn’t so cocky anymore and my mother passed away during that pregnancy so I was never able to tell her just how right she was.

The top left pic is me full term at 125 lbs (photos by Kimi)

My story doesn’t end there, oh no. I am a mother of 6 which means more poundage. The interesting thing for me is that the most gain I’ve ever made were the years between my first four children’s births ‘ and my last two. I was a vegetarian for a good portion of my 20’s. O.K., O.K., this is carriekeepsitreal , right?  So I’m going to be honest with you, I would sneak a Whataburger cheeseburger every now and then so I wasn’t by strict standards a vegetarian but I only cooked vegetarian for my family and chose the veggie plate when we went out to eat.  Then……I met Johnny after my divorce. Johnny was a meat-eating, southern-cooking lovin’ fool. Within 6 months after meeting him I went from 135 lbs (maintained that weight for three years after having my 4^th baby) to 160 lbs. That was by far my biggest jump in pounds. Two more babies and 20 years later after some successful weight loss stints just to gain it all back as of last week I weighed 222 lbs. That is the most I have ever weighed.  I’m just keeping it real.